How to make your guests leave

Feeling stressed about holiday entertaining? Right now there's no end of articles about how to pull off the perfect gathering. I'll let those experts advise you – but what if you're in mid-party and you just want it to end?

It might be a sudden spasm of Covid paranoia, a gradual awareness of tedious family dynamics, or simply an ache to be alone. Whatever the source, it helps to have a few tricks at the ready to end the event earlier than you planned.

Here are three tactics I keep handy.

Up the lighting

Switching on an overhead light full blast would be rude. Instead rely on dimmers, giving them a discreet tweak upwards, a little at a time. Eventually the room's welcoming moodiness will give way to a last-call vibe.

The Carrie Lamp I featured last week has three brightness settings, so it's a trusty companion when you want to pull off this maneuver.

Do the clock glance

Less perceptive guests may need a more obvious cue. Cast your eyes over to a conspicous clock for their benefit. In my home, the living room clock is accompanied by a vintage arrow sign that points to the exit, clearing up any ambiguity.

Switch the music

The lingering types may need stronger medicine. It's good to have music in your collection that most would find hard on the ears. Like the lighting, ease your way into it to avoid shock.

My go-to for these situations is a double album of Belgian Cold Wave. I bought it for the Victor Vasarely cover art and discovered that its tracks are almost unlistenable. Even the die-hard folks who pretend they're enjoying it will likely say their farewells before the end of side four.

And if you're a guest?

Navigating all the social events of the next few weeks can be exhausting. The New York Times has an excellent compendium of survival tips called It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Holiday Social Anxiety. Pick up a few sensible directives before you venture out.